When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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