mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize