I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
