I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
