Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
