I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
