Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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