Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
