Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
