Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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