I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
