If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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