First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
