im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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