I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
