saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
apparently the secret to your success is patron
There was a lot of him and a little penis
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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