I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
