Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
