If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
