o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Who did Billy Mays play for?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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