The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
