I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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