Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
