Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
