So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize