The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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