we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
