At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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