A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
