Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
