my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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