I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
