the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
