I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
