Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
