to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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