You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
