She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
