i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
