Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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