I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
