Don't make out with my wife yet
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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