he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
