i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize