I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
