im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
