i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
