How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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