Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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