Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
