im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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