thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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