your room smells of hookers.
And success
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Pooping to opera.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
