Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
