i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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