i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Found the puke drawer
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
