this just has baby written all over it
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
