My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
