Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
